I continuously struggle with self worth. I’m never good enough. I’m too overweight, I have ugly hair and my front teeth are too big and with a split. I paint stupid things, and I don’t even paint them well enough to sell. I end up giving my paintings away to my family, the only people who tell me they like them.
I am ugly and I don’t speak very well. I stutter and stammer, I am afraid and uncomfortable being in groups of people, including my own family. I have to always find an empty space to sit in and just forget how many people are in the other room.
I am not intelligent enough. I don’t do enough research on things that other people like to talk about. I don’t know what to say in conversations – my brain freezes and I end up looking like an idiot trying to carry a conversation I know little or nothing about.
I don’t know how to end conversations. At what point do I leave? During the uncomfortable silence, too long after the conversation may have ended, or too early, when the other person starts up another sentence in the middle of my leaving?
I am uncomfortable, putting it lightly, in a person-to-person conversation, even when I should already be comfortable after knowing the person after a few encounters. Where do I look? What do I do with my hands? How should I stand? Should I face them directly, or leave a gap for a clean getaway once I’ve embarrassed myself? Do I look them in the eyes too much or for too long?
I don’t dress in the current fashion or style. I love baggy clothes and I most especially love my painting clothes. I don’t concern myself with makeup or fixing up my hair (other than my one attempt at trying to dye my hair grey – I am now a bleach blonde with dark roots because I don’t have the energy or care to keep up with dyeing my roots).
I think I make other people uncomfortable just being in my presence. I am so awkward at verbal communication and socializing.
It is difficult being me, especially, I think, from an outsider’s view.
Thank you for reading.
Lisa
Header image: (c) 2018 Lisa Ramsey, INUKSUK, 30″ x 40″ acrylic on canvas.
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